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Bent But Not Broken: Building Resilient Adoptive Families

Ten Essential Lessons From The Trenches

 1. Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees: Family resiliency comes from family crisis!

2. Take charge: Adult-centered families are stronger then child-centered families!

3. Failure is feedback: The strongest families emerge from painful experiences with depth, energy and problem-solving abilities.

4. Optimistic families are healthier families!

5. Emphasize doing, rather than feeling

6. Parenting is an Experiment: Let go of the myth of unconditional love and parental omnipotence.

7. Break the rules: Improvise parenting and take great leaps of faith!

8. What you reward is what you get: We become the family that we think we are.

9. We need humor and laughter: When in doubt make them laugh!

10. Connect: Create rituals, celebrations, stories, routines, and traditions with family, friends, and communities.How you handle loss, injury, grief, challenge--even positive changes--determines whether or not you will continue to grow more resilient. Each time you bounce back from a setback, you are strengthening your resiliency...and resiliency is learned and developed throughout a lifetime. (Resiliency, Warschaw)

Source: Dee Paddock, President of Families With a Difference

Tips on Selecting an Adoption Therapist  

Adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved. Adoption brings unique rewards as well as challenges to families. Timely intervention by a professional skilled in adoption issues often can prevent issues common to adoption from becoming more serious problems.

 Finding the right therapist can seem like a daunting task. Parents should take the time to shop around for a mental health provider who has the experience and expertise required to effectively address their family's needs. At minimum, a therapist must:

 1.Be knowledgeable about adoption and the psychological impact of adoption on children and families

2.Be experienced in working with adopted children and their families.

3.Know the types of help available.

 Check on Insurance: The search for a therapist can be complicated by restrictions; however, it may still be possible to choose from a list of approved therapists. Check with your insurance company to find out:

 The extent of your coverage for mental health treatment

Specialty areas of approved providers

Company policies regarding referrals to, and payment for, treatment provided by therapists outside the plan.

 You may be able to justify using a therapist outside of the network for specialized services. Although you might meet some resistance, persevere to secure the needed services.

 Some therapists accept Medicaid reimbursement. The challenge is to locate a therapist who accepts reimbursement and who has experience in foster care and adoption.

 Using those recommendations, call therapists for a phone or face-to-face interview. Many therapists will offer a 15- or 20-minute initial consultation free of charge.

 Phone Interview Questions: Parents should start by giving the clinician a brief description of the concern or problem for which they are requesting help. Listed below are some questions to discuss.

 1.What is the therapist's experience with

• Adoption, in general?

• Infertility?

• Special needs adoption?

• Open adoption?

• Transracial adoption?

• Identity issues in the context of adoption?

• Search and reunion?

• Adoptive families?

• Adopted children?

• Children who have histories of loss, abuse and/or neglect?

• Children who may have learning or developmental disabilities?

 2.How long has the therapist been in practice, and what degrees, license or certification does he or she have?

 3.What continuing clinical training does he or she have on adoption issues?

 4.Does the therapist include parents in the therapeutic process?

 5.Does the clinician prefer to work with the entire family or only with the child(ren)?

 6.Will the therapist give parents regular reports on a child's progress?

 7.Can the therapist estimate a time frame for the course of therapy?

 8.What is the therapist's theoretical orientation regarding treatment?

 Many therapists treat from one or more of the following approaches:

• behavioral therapy, which focuses on treating overt behaviors

• cognitive therapy, which focuses clinical intervention on thinking processes, motivation, and reasons for certain behaviors

• family systems therapy, which views family members as a unit and focuses on their interpersonal and communications patterns

• psychoanalysis, which is based on psychosexual development theories, personality structure and psychotherapy techniques pioneered by Sigmund Freud.

Working with a therapist parents may request an evaluation meeting with the therapist 6-8 weeks after treatment begins. This evaluation meeting will help all parties "take a pulse" on progress of the treatment and to discuss the following areas:  

Mutually agreed-upon goals for treatment approaches and desired outcomes.

Progress on problems that first prompted the request for treatment. Parents should realize that some behaviors need extensive intervention before progress can be identified.

A tentative diagnosis.

The therapist's evaluation of the chances that therapy can improve the situation(s).

 Follow through by the family with the therapist's recommendations.

Resources

 There are national professional organizations that will provide you with information regarding therapists that specialize in adoption issues in your area.

The American Psychological Association (APA) 750 First Street, NE Washington , D.C. 20002 (202) 336-5500 Web site: http://www.apa.org/

 The American Psychiatric Association 1400 K Street, NW Washington , D.C. 20005 1-888-35-PSYCH (77924) (202) 682-6000 Web site:http://www.psych.org/

 The National Association of Social Workers 750 First Street, NE Suite 700 Washington, D.C. 20002 (202) 408-8600 Web site:http://www.naswdc.org/

 Source: The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse web site

Some Famous Adoptees

Adoption Themed Childrens' Movies

• Stewart Little

• Tarzan - Excellent Transracial/Transcultural Theme

• Little Orphan Annie

• The Tigger Movie

• Problem Child 1&2

Top Nine Don'ts For Parents Of Unattached Children

Don't take the child's behavior personally. Doing this leads you to lose good interactionand decreases the chance of attachment.

Don't get into blaming: the social workers, the school, your spouse, yourself. Concentrating on blaming takes away energy needed for advocacy for your child and healing for all of you.

Don't doubt yourself. The hard work, love, and commitment you have given to the child counts, even if things don't go wel all the time.

Don't always accept the first diagnosis of your child's problem. This is especially true if you have a gut feeling it's wrong. A second opinion is just as important for a chil's psychiatric diagnosis as for a physical diagnosis.

Dont' give up hope of finding jelp/resources. There are many helpful organizations out there, "creative funding" to help pay for some therapy.

Don't go beyond your limits, take on too much. If you overstress yourself and get physically ill or have a nervous breakdown you won't be able to help anyone, not even yourself.

Don't belive that one person, one couple can't do anything to make a difference. "The squeaking wheel get the grease." If you're persistent and willing to write lots of letters or make many calls (to legislators, the media, etc.) you can shake things up, wake people up.

Don't forget to join the Attachment Disorder Parents Network and also ATTACh (Assoc. for Training and Treatment in Attachment of Children, based in Phoenix ), and tell your friends.

Don't forget to make and cultivate friendships with those who do understand.

Originally written by Gail Trenthberth of ADN, modified in part by ADSG, copywright 1997, 2000 Attachment Disorder Support Group. All rights Reserved. This article is from the Attachment Disorder Support Group web site.  

Depression and Parenting a Child With Attachment Difficulties

by Beverly White, MA, LPC  

I see "IT" in my office every day. I hear "IT" repeatedly, yet no one directly addresses "IT". "IT" is the low-grade depression experienced by many parents of a child with attachment difficulties. The symptoms vary from very mild generalized feelings of not knowing what's wrong to a full-blown feeling that "I give up. If I have to live the rest of my life like this, then I want out". Out means thing like leaving the marriage, relinquishing the child(ren), and (in rare cases) feelings of suicide. Some of the most common and notable signs of depression include: low energy; low to no motivation; changes in sleeping and eating patterns; feelings of ambivalence; an increase in irritability (not due to PMS or other factors); decreased self-esteem; decreased interest in sex; decreasing ability to focus and concentrate; memory problems; and sometimes thought of suicide or the intention to commit suicide.

 Since so much of the energy of the parents of these children is extended toward the child, parents most often fail to see that they aren't saving enough or giving enough time and attention to their own needs. Once they do take notice that they have slipped into a depressive state, they typically blame themselves. The only thing they could be at fault for is forgetting to take care of themselves while parenting their children.

 Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder don't learn reciprocity during the first year of life. Therefore, they don't function as reciprocal human beings. Parents end up giving and giving to the child, without getting anything back and being emotionally replenished. Most of us who come from the 50's generations were taught by our parents to sacrifice for our children, and to put the needs of our children first. This philosophy will most assuredly lead us into the black hole of depression when parenting children who don't reciprocate, and it can put us into a less than effective and co-dependent role when parenting our other children who do reciprocate.

 Children with attachment and bonding difficulties are experts at controlling even the most meaningless situations. Their eternal vigil to obtain and stay in control leaves parents in a position of being continually tested and challenged for the role of parent. Since the attachment disordered child wants to be his/her own parent (boss), parents are constantly exerting energy to maintain their appropriate place and job as parent. Out of an unconscious fear that not being in control means not surviving, the child works overtime to wrest control from the parents. Thus, parents must unconsciously work overtime to stay one step ahead of the child, and wonder why, on a conscious level, they feel so exhausted all the time.

 If you often find yourself wondering "what's wrong", or "why don't I feel better about my parenting skills" (or about my life), then it's time to recognize that the challenges of parenting your child with attachment difficulties may be creating a low-grade depression for you. Start talking to your spouse, friends, clergy, therapist, and/or other parents. Get some support and relief. Assert yourself to reach out and connect with others who can understand your situation and relate to your feelings. Otherwise, you may find yourself unable to function as a parent, or worse. Beverly Baker White is a therapist in private practice in both Littleton and Evergreen, Colorado .